He gives and takes away

Recently, my wife and I announced the joyful news that we are expecting twins, due Nov. 11.  So much love and warmth has poured in from friends and family all over – especially those who understood how long we had tried to conceive.  Everything was going smoothly….

….until this past Sunday.

After a great day of Sunday worship and church cleanup, I was in the middle of enjoying shave ice with some EM folks when, out of the blue, I received a most disturbing text message from my mom. Translated, it read, Sam, something has gone wrong with one of the babies.  Call mom asap.

My heart sunk as I tried to decipher what “something has gone wrong” meant.  The Korean words used were ” 애기 하나잘못됬어.”

Stealing away from the group for a second, I called Korea hoping to reach my wife.  My mother-in-law picked up and her first words were, (again, translated), Sam, we lost one of the babies.  The baby….simply stopped breathing.  By that, I assumed she meant that the baby’s heart stopped beating.

Instantly (I didn’t even know this was physiologically possible) tears welled up as I struggled to maintain my composure while simultaneously peck away at my quickly-melting shave ice.

We hung up, my fellowship ended, and I raced home to try to get more details.  Alas, I was told that my wife was still in the hospital, on an IV solution because she was dehydrated and absolutely spent (she had barely been eating due to extreme morning sickness) and that she would call me when they return home from the hospital.  I would later find out that she spent the entire three-hour session sobbing uncontrollably.

He promises to wipe every tear….

So, I had my first big cry session – alone.

Later that night (Sunday here, Monday afternoon in Seoul), Mini called me.  Cue cry session #2 – only this time, we did it together.  And we felt a little better afterwards.

Miscarriages are hard.  Life sometimes doesn’t make sense.  And do you want to know what I preached on this past Sunday, a mere hours before I was to receive this incredibly painful news? Even when life doesn’t make sense, let us worship and follow Jesus.

He never said it would be easy, but He also promised that He would never leave us or abandon us.  I suppose the skeptic will say that those are just words.  But in my life, at this time, His promises are exactly what I need and His Word is holding me together.

In the midst of our sadness, there is a praise report – the other baby is doing just fine. And that makes me so happy.

In Christ, there is always a silver lining.

On Monday night, I got a kakao message from an EM church member named Esther.  She had been sick for a few weeks and unable to attend church so she didn’t hear the announcement about the twins.  Out of the blue, Esther messaged me and wrote, “Hi, Pastor Sam!  I know this is strange but last night I had a dream that Mini SMN was holding a baby boy in her arms.   IS SHE PREGNANT?”

Now, keep in mind that I was still reeling from the recent news of our miscarriage but this kakao could not have come at a better time.  The Lord brought unexpected joy into my heart as I wrote back to her, “hehe….why yes!  we announced it to the congregation last Sunday!”  I left out the twins part.

So yes, we have one child.  here’s a pic of the little buddy.  i like to think that he/she is just chillin’.

baby2

I suppose this blog will chronicle the journey of our very first pregnancy.  Thanks for following along.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living!

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord! – Psalm 27:13-14

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One thought on “He gives and takes away

  1. psam, i’m so sorry about you and mini smn’s loss. ): thank you for sharing your journey – both the sorrows and the joys – with us all. i loved this entry, particularly that last portion when you talked about esther’s kakao message. it’s like God was saying, “all’s well and going according to what i’ve planned before the foundation of the earth.”

    and i loved the ultrasound! somehow, little man(woman?) looks like he’s grieving too. i’m sure it’s not easy losing a brother and wombmate (okay, ive already completely assumed they’re boys).

    praying that God would see a healthy mini smn and baby all the way through (and a healthy psam, too)!

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